May I Simply Be Honest?

hi guys. uhm, there's someone i'd like to introduce you to; for as many who didn't already know him...

He was a father always to be had.
He was the laughter that shamed things sad;
and that i dearly loved him is news un-new,
but also is the truth that this is ripping me in two.
My emotions are a mess and it's as though i'm stuck
because with all i feel it's as though my expressions have been locked up.

I love you so very much and this pain could kill!
But this isn't about death, because you live still.
I've tried to stay blank, acquaintancing with any distraction
But that offers no help- not even a measly fraction.

See i wrote you a song Papa, one you will never hear.
I wrote it on your birthday...it was just last year.
Yet now it doesn't seem that way anymore,
it's like all the glorious times walked out the door.
A door i never noticed was in the room;
No fault of mine because i was so focused on you.
On the way you love and somehow always come through,
Oh how I wanted so bad to be just like you.

Now all of a sudden, these locked up feelings have been let loose. 
Writing becomes difficult for fear of soaking my words through
since they're already drenched in this helplessness i feel;
because it isn't about what i want when there's His sovereign will.

I'm going to miss you so much and you aren't even aware.
Well, you can't be since you are no longer even here.
You had your dreams and along the way they too became mine;
Now i am wishing they all actualized at a sooner time.

You know what hurts even more is that before you left i was gone.
I never thought that casual hug would be the last one.
Oh, if i did it would have been ten times longer!
I'd be storing up to keep me warm for this numbing future.

When i was a little girl, i'd watch you sometimes and pray;
"Lord, until i get married let Papa Eagle stay."
I so longed to see that proud look in your eyes
As you blessed us, the new groom and bride.
Why that prayer wasn't answered, i'll never truly know
But whether you're here or not, my love still flows.
Not just for you, but also for your maker;
He has rights to want you because He IS God, the hugest giver,
and you are a treasured gift we had for awhile.
I know you are happiest now, and to connect to that is what i try.

Your legacy, in my heart, is and always will be a permanent fixture
burnt into my heart, like a tattooed picture.
The same way many years ago you held me in your arms
Giving thanks to God for the blessing i should be and now am
in like manner do i lift my heart to the heavens;
A heart full of gratitude for the privilege to have known God's servant.

It's an honor to have known you, sweet C.E.O
If you never knew how much you're loved, I hope God lets you know.
I feel like going on forever but i must indeed stop
So i no longer am burnt by these fiery drops.
If i were asked about paradoxical emotions, this would be one
because though you might have just arrived, the fact is you're gone.
Yet deep down i am happy, and here's the reason;
with no access to this air, you're still ever living.


I love you Pastor Cee.

xxx ~kwiksie