Over Chocolate Cake and Coffee - 2

He remained silent for a long time. “I’ve always wanted to apologize you know. All these years I’ve been wanting and trying to but -- each time I think I have a chance, I just --- I don’t know, I always end up changing my mind like a cowardly goat.” He shook his head. “You didn’t deserve that oh...no one does. And I hate myself for the fact that I’m only just realizing that now.”

She shrugged. “I guess that was why you’ve been following me all this time? To apologize?”

He looked up at her, startled. “You knew!?”

“Of course. Your disguising skills are very sad. Somehow I always managed to spot you before you disappeared but then I’d keep doubting if you were the person I actually saw. Six years ago, three years ago and I think the last time is about a year plus now. How come you never said anything?”

“I was guilty…and scared. Have been all these years. The guilt wouldn’t let me have peace and I had no idea what to expect if I approached you, – I avoided thinking about it to be honest - especially after I found out my anger should have been aimed at someone else all along.”

“Well you’re facing me now aren’t you?”

She smiled encouragingly and although he didn’t think it possible a few moments before, he suddenly hated himself even more. She shouldn’t be acting so understanding. As they sat there in silence, their minds traveled back to the events that changed her life and never ceased to haunt his. She took a few far-spaced sips from her cup while he simply turned to look outside and gaze unseeingly at the cars in traffic outside the shop.

He was the first to break the silence and asked somberly. “When did you hear about her? As in, find out she was the one who did what we blamed you for?”

She took her time eating a piece of cake before responding. “On the news I think.” She looked at him. “What about you? Did you know?”

He shook his head. “I found out during my trial.”

“Oh.”

“I got only six years.” He glanced at her to gauge her reaction but she looked surprised. “I’m sure it must have killed you when you found out. I almost wish it was longer though.”

She rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to say that to impress me. Plus, I don’t really care what your sentence was – I’m actually just finding out. I stopped following the case after her confession and no one around me was to speak of it again.”

The grieved expression on his face wasn’t make-believe. “I swear, you cannot imagine my anguish when I realized the horrible mistake we’d ma--.

“Okay stop.” she interrupted. “It is you who can’t imagine my suffering at being deceived, lured into such a foul trap, and ripped to shreds by someone considered close enough to be family. So just quit it.”

“You’re right, I-.”

“Don’t talk to me about anguish, I beg you. Guilt, regret, shame maybe; not anguish.”

“Fine. What I am trying to say is I’ve never been sorrier for any action and I’ve regretted those choices every moment of every day for the past twelve years! I know what we did is unforgivable but-.”

“It’s isn’t. It was just cruel…emotionally crushing maybe, mentally destabilizing; but certainly not unforgivable.” Her face was blank as she pushed cake crumbs around on her plate with her fork.

Anthony considered her for close to a minute, frustrated, before glancing at his wristwatch. 9:45 Am. He looked at her again as she took another sip from her now lukewarm coffee. For the first time since they began interacting, he noticed the absence of any ring on her finger. He sighed internally. Of course she wouldn’t be married.

“You know, I think this was just a waste of your time and a vivid display of my selfishness. I’ll be leaving now.”

She raised her eyebrow and replaced the cup on the saucer. “What do you mean?”

“My apologies and my regrets are useless because they can’t undo what’s been done.” He felt so defeated and regarded her bare left hand once again. “Things might have been so - so much better for you if it hadn’t been for….”

She smiled and motioned to a waitress to come over. “You aren’t selfish to want forgiveness this guy. You wronged me, I hated you accordingly till I could move on and now you’re trying to lay your demons of guilt and condemnation to rest and move on as well. Simple.”

“Yet I deserve their torment and I know you think so too.”

“Anthony, focus. My opinion isn’t really relevant, but the truth always is. And the truth’s that you may have messed up big time, but then so have I at some point or points in my life, and so has the waiter who served us, and everyone else on planet earth. We may deserve tons of evil based on all the nonsense we’ve ever done but if someone decides to spare us all the punishment we are most deserving of, then why choose to punish ourselves? You have got to forgive yourself. I have.”

He almost laughed at that but stopped himself. What a liar. “I haven’t even apologized, technically.”

She shook her head. “I forgave you guys ages ago silly. Before you got out of jail and began following me around, before we began this conversation - I had already forgiven you.”

Anthony wasn’t buying it.

“That’s not even possible. What are you, some variety of martyr? No one does that please. You should hate us! I bet you do and this is just a front you’re using to hold your anger in check and not bury that fork in my chest.” She said nothing. “How can you be like this?”

She excused herself and spoke to the young lady who’d come to stand by their table, placing another order for what she’d just had. “Look, I’m not that much of a bad guy that I’d just let you guys off the hook and be forming World’s nicest. It’s not about my strength but the person who’s strengthened me. I’d be a wreck if I never met Him and, truth be told, He’s the only reason I was able to let the past go and move on with my life.”

Something changed in Anthony’s eyes. A tiny splinter of hope and relief began to creep in as he assumed she meant she’d found a guy who loved her despite her past. “Your boyfriend? He actually encouraged you to pardon bastards like us?” His tone showed he found the very idea ludicrous. “Wow. Strange guy. But I’m happy for you sha.”

“I wouldn’t say boyfriend exactly. Come, I’ll show you.” She pushed her now empty plate and cup to the side and leaned forward, placing the fat novel in the center of the table and turned it so Anthony could read also.

He barely glanced at it. “What’s this? Have you forgotten books and I were never close?”

“You’ll like this one. Trust me, it’ll answer your questions about my coping strategy much better than I can. The reason I didn’t stay depressed, was able to forgive you all, have moved on with my life and all of the stuff that sounds so mad to you – it’s all in here.”

The waitress arrived then, cleared the empty dishes and placed the fresh order beside Anthony. He looked at her and shook his head.

“I didn’t -.”

“I did. This discussion might take a while so you might as well have something.”

“I see.” He glanced at his wristwatch again. “Look, I’m actually game for this because I really need to understand and I’m near ecstatic that you’re even willing to explain and all, but you know you’ve got work right? I found out your shift begins by ten, unless I was misinformed.”

She shook her head. “I took the day off. Someone told me I’d be kind of busy with other things today.”

With that, she smiled at him for the umpteenth time, flipped the pages of her bible and right there began witnessing to the person who’d hurt her most about Jesus’ love, salvation and the dispensation of grace.

Thanks for reading! ^_^

xxx, Kwiksie.

Heads You Lose; Hearts You Win- 4 (Final)

He’d been trying to reach her since the very onset of the plot but the loud nature of their jubilation over her imminent fall kept her conveniently distracted, thus she shook off his every warning and nudging as though He were the bothersome distraction.

The others mocked Him and had a wonderful time while at it. Prior to her getting together with her boyfriend, they had all been less than insignificant because of Him. He’d been in charge and they knew it as each feeble attempt made to overthrow him backfired and caused her to even hold on tighter. She had just begun to experience real growth… until she met her weakness. He was as charming as she was naïve and as devious as she was easily swayed; and he was all they needed to make their dreams come true.

Gradually she got a lot busier – working at church, evangelizing, going out on charity outreaches, helping out the elderly people in her neighborhood whose children were all grown…and trying to get the fellow she had begun crushing on to get to church and to meet Jesus.

Soon there was hardly time to fellowship with her maker.

Then all of a sudden, everyone seemed to notice how gorgeous she was and in no time, there were advances from every corner; co-workers, clients, church members – everybody wanted to have a shot at winning her heart. Of course, it became sort of a nuisance and soon, a good percentage of her thoughts were focused on figuring out an effective solution to this challenge. Then, it progressed to figuring out the best way to pick out the ‘right man’ amongst all the available options that God had – she assumed – brought her way.

Soon in her hunt for who should’ve been her second love, she pushed her first to second place.

Slowly and steadily, she let the enemy use her own hands to chip away at the most important part of herself. Thus with consistent neglect, disregard, and the absence of frequent communication, her once blooming relationship with her Savior began to wilt, and the flesh she had been made dead to…she fought to resurrect.

While veraciously attacking her body with increased excitement, and in a manner that would make one imagine the profession of love were directed at God, he muttered breathlessly just how much he loved her - and she froze.

His thoughtless words echoed in her heart. Oh God, I love you so much!

...she used to say the exact same thing.

All at once, like buds of cotton were instantly plucked out of the ears of her heart, she heard Him. Clearly and distinctly, like he were closer than the aroused individual pressed against her body, she could hear Him calling her back; reminding her how much she was loved by Him, reminding her how much she used to love Him and letting her know she could still walk away. Right away.

Without further prompting she peeled her arms off his sweaty neck and pushed his bewildered face away from her body. In times past she’d often confessed her love for this sweet gentle person within - just as the ‘hungry’ fellow had done as he struggled to balance his breathing - but then without noticing precisely when, she didn’t anymore. And how could she, when she’d let so much garbage waltz in, that there was no more room in her mind for Him?

She adjusted her clothing calmly and unlocked the car door once again, simply shaking her head to every attempted protest from him. She showed him her wristwatch to indicate that she had overstayed her welcome – whether or not she had in his opinion - and got into the driver’s seat. When she looked at him she smiled, but the smile faltered as immediately images of the past few minutes bombarded her mind and a wave of guilt and shame flooded her insides. She turned away but then He spoke  within her again, the voice she had ignored for far too long, and the soothing truth of scripture calmed her. Romans 8:1---Psalm 37:24---Proverbs 24:16… She mentally quoted and re-quoted the verses until she could think of nothing else but the redeeming love and forgiveness Christ made available to her in spite of her weakness and display of carelessness. She faced him again and smiled, promising to have his car returned in good time and knowing without a doubt that the car would be the only thing returning to him from her.

With that she backed out of his driveway and headed for the entrance gate, momentarily feeling sorry for the security warden she was going to inevitably rouse from slumber, but unable to stay on that thought for too long with all the joy and gratitude that threatened to erupt from within her.

As she headed home feeling elated, she momentarily became particularly conscious of the calm beating of her heart – which was in sharp contrast to its general state in recent times – and immediately had something of an epiphany which she noted for future reference.

Although filled with gratitude and thanksgiving to God for providing a way out and making available a second chance for her, she came to grasp that things might have turned out a lot differently – and not gotten so out of control maybe - if she’d simply listened to the One speaking to her heart from the beginning…

It was a lesson she would not be soon forgetting.

THE END.

Thank you for staying with me till now! ^_^

Please share your thoughts (to comment, click on the post title and scroll to the bottom of the page) - I'd love to hear your views, experiences, writing tips, &suggestions as well...

:D

xxx, Kwiksie,~