Over Chocolate Cake and Coffee - 2

He remained silent for a long time. “I’ve always wanted to apologize you know. All these years I’ve been wanting and trying to but -- each time I think I have a chance, I just --- I don’t know, I always end up changing my mind like a cowardly goat.” He shook his head. “You didn’t deserve that oh...no one does. And I hate myself for the fact that I’m only just realizing that now.”

She shrugged. “I guess that was why you’ve been following me all this time? To apologize?”

He looked up at her, startled. “You knew!?”

“Of course. Your disguising skills are very sad. Somehow I always managed to spot you before you disappeared but then I’d keep doubting if you were the person I actually saw. Six years ago, three years ago and I think the last time is about a year plus now. How come you never said anything?”

“I was guilty…and scared. Have been all these years. The guilt wouldn’t let me have peace and I had no idea what to expect if I approached you, – I avoided thinking about it to be honest - especially after I found out my anger should have been aimed at someone else all along.”

“Well you’re facing me now aren’t you?”

She smiled encouragingly and although he didn’t think it possible a few moments before, he suddenly hated himself even more. She shouldn’t be acting so understanding. As they sat there in silence, their minds traveled back to the events that changed her life and never ceased to haunt his. She took a few far-spaced sips from her cup while he simply turned to look outside and gaze unseeingly at the cars in traffic outside the shop.

He was the first to break the silence and asked somberly. “When did you hear about her? As in, find out she was the one who did what we blamed you for?”

She took her time eating a piece of cake before responding. “On the news I think.” She looked at him. “What about you? Did you know?”

He shook his head. “I found out during my trial.”

“Oh.”

“I got only six years.” He glanced at her to gauge her reaction but she looked surprised. “I’m sure it must have killed you when you found out. I almost wish it was longer though.”

She rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to say that to impress me. Plus, I don’t really care what your sentence was – I’m actually just finding out. I stopped following the case after her confession and no one around me was to speak of it again.”

The grieved expression on his face wasn’t make-believe. “I swear, you cannot imagine my anguish when I realized the horrible mistake we’d ma--.

“Okay stop.” she interrupted. “It is you who can’t imagine my suffering at being deceived, lured into such a foul trap, and ripped to shreds by someone considered close enough to be family. So just quit it.”

“You’re right, I-.”

“Don’t talk to me about anguish, I beg you. Guilt, regret, shame maybe; not anguish.”

“Fine. What I am trying to say is I’ve never been sorrier for any action and I’ve regretted those choices every moment of every day for the past twelve years! I know what we did is unforgivable but-.”

“It’s isn’t. It was just cruel…emotionally crushing maybe, mentally destabilizing; but certainly not unforgivable.” Her face was blank as she pushed cake crumbs around on her plate with her fork.

Anthony considered her for close to a minute, frustrated, before glancing at his wristwatch. 9:45 Am. He looked at her again as she took another sip from her now lukewarm coffee. For the first time since they began interacting, he noticed the absence of any ring on her finger. He sighed internally. Of course she wouldn’t be married.

“You know, I think this was just a waste of your time and a vivid display of my selfishness. I’ll be leaving now.”

She raised her eyebrow and replaced the cup on the saucer. “What do you mean?”

“My apologies and my regrets are useless because they can’t undo what’s been done.” He felt so defeated and regarded her bare left hand once again. “Things might have been so - so much better for you if it hadn’t been for….”

She smiled and motioned to a waitress to come over. “You aren’t selfish to want forgiveness this guy. You wronged me, I hated you accordingly till I could move on and now you’re trying to lay your demons of guilt and condemnation to rest and move on as well. Simple.”

“Yet I deserve their torment and I know you think so too.”

“Anthony, focus. My opinion isn’t really relevant, but the truth always is. And the truth’s that you may have messed up big time, but then so have I at some point or points in my life, and so has the waiter who served us, and everyone else on planet earth. We may deserve tons of evil based on all the nonsense we’ve ever done but if someone decides to spare us all the punishment we are most deserving of, then why choose to punish ourselves? You have got to forgive yourself. I have.”

He almost laughed at that but stopped himself. What a liar. “I haven’t even apologized, technically.”

She shook her head. “I forgave you guys ages ago silly. Before you got out of jail and began following me around, before we began this conversation - I had already forgiven you.”

Anthony wasn’t buying it.

“That’s not even possible. What are you, some variety of martyr? No one does that please. You should hate us! I bet you do and this is just a front you’re using to hold your anger in check and not bury that fork in my chest.” She said nothing. “How can you be like this?”

She excused herself and spoke to the young lady who’d come to stand by their table, placing another order for what she’d just had. “Look, I’m not that much of a bad guy that I’d just let you guys off the hook and be forming World’s nicest. It’s not about my strength but the person who’s strengthened me. I’d be a wreck if I never met Him and, truth be told, He’s the only reason I was able to let the past go and move on with my life.”

Something changed in Anthony’s eyes. A tiny splinter of hope and relief began to creep in as he assumed she meant she’d found a guy who loved her despite her past. “Your boyfriend? He actually encouraged you to pardon bastards like us?” His tone showed he found the very idea ludicrous. “Wow. Strange guy. But I’m happy for you sha.”

“I wouldn’t say boyfriend exactly. Come, I’ll show you.” She pushed her now empty plate and cup to the side and leaned forward, placing the fat novel in the center of the table and turned it so Anthony could read also.

He barely glanced at it. “What’s this? Have you forgotten books and I were never close?”

“You’ll like this one. Trust me, it’ll answer your questions about my coping strategy much better than I can. The reason I didn’t stay depressed, was able to forgive you all, have moved on with my life and all of the stuff that sounds so mad to you – it’s all in here.”

The waitress arrived then, cleared the empty dishes and placed the fresh order beside Anthony. He looked at her and shook his head.

“I didn’t -.”

“I did. This discussion might take a while so you might as well have something.”

“I see.” He glanced at his wristwatch again. “Look, I’m actually game for this because I really need to understand and I’m near ecstatic that you’re even willing to explain and all, but you know you’ve got work right? I found out your shift begins by ten, unless I was misinformed.”

She shook her head. “I took the day off. Someone told me I’d be kind of busy with other things today.”

With that, she smiled at him for the umpteenth time, flipped the pages of her bible and right there began witnessing to the person who’d hurt her most about Jesus’ love, salvation and the dispensation of grace.

Thanks for reading! ^_^

xxx, Kwiksie.

I Survived You

You’re the reason I have life

But you would have been the death of me.

I wish I’d known better than to hope you’d stutter

When you aimed them poison tipped words at my heart,

- One after another.

Eventually I became the un-recyclable due to consistent misuse,

And very much aware that by this fact you were almost amused.

But shortly after truth moved in to my mind i realized

That I’m the one who let you make me a believer in lies.

I considered blaming Daddy

when i paused from blaming you.

-After all he’s the one who didn’t want me-

But then neither did you.

That’s how rejection became my teddy

We'd cuddle each night as i fell asleep.

I’d shut my eyes hoping to shut out

Yells about who you were never meant to keep.

But alas, my eye shutting didn't leave me deaf and.

With time all the pains worsened

And the so familiar vacuum increased

- And I tried desperately to find treatment -

Because all this feeling was my disease.

So I tried to cut me out and leave behind a shell

Because that won’t ever be affected by the hurt he had to share.

But my blade must’ve been blunt and thus it left life in me.

It's as though even inanimate objects were out to make me unhappy!

The word happiness itself was a stranger but I craved its acquaintance

Which is why every note writ ended up in the bin

With that repeated pain-infused, self-death sentence.

I needed a distraction but my pain had my full attention

And it wasn't till after mistaking my body for dents in a vehicle,

That he realized I wasn't worth his exercise and perspiration-

Thus he walked out.

I let it matter till it became my atmosphere.

Convinced that for blood to reject me, I'd be unwanted everywhere

You never seemed interested enough to say something

So I gave up on you both thanks to your indifference and his abusing

Thinking if my partial creators found me so wanting,

Then I must be in need of some major correcting.

But all the grafting and patching I did further ripped me

Till I avoided everything I could be reflected in.

A death diet was the next place I sought relief

Perhaps a variety of tastes would alleviate the grief?

However gorging myself didn’t quite numb me ---

I needed to find more effective pain feed.

The pills first seemed to be helping

When Insomnia somehow became normalcy;

Because the nightmares wouldn’t let me dream of better days

And all my days I lived in depression’s dark hallway.

However soon I couldn’t cope if I’d not ‘popped’ some

-all I ever really wanted was lasting oblivion.

Consciousness had never seemed to add value, and so

If my body had to stay – maybe my mind could go?

But nothing worked, I was miserable, and you cared not.

Till the flower of hope in my mind began to rot.

Whatever made me think you would ever choose to change?

Either way, whatever it was and I got disengaged.

With time I walked away, determined to never look back

and on the way, someone trained me to get my life on track

Now I’m all grown up but found a new beginning

Daily learning to leave the past that wouldn't let joy in.

The cavity in my heart's gotten a permanent filling

So I'm done existing...yeah mom, I'm living.

Dedicated to everyone who's been through (going through) some deep stuff.

Thank God you survived//have held on this long.

Just remember...Jesus will ALWAYS be the answer. :) <3

xxx, Kwiksie~

Think_About_Me

#Think_About_Me

It’s convenient to forget

Acting in contradiction to your depth.

Playing solo and doing whatever you want to…

As though unaware that I’ve always got you.

So they don’t understand? Yeah I get it.

And the fact is everybody’s got their limit.

But before you get mad and throw a flesh-happy tantrum

Give me a thought for a second would you hon?

Lately relationships have been a mess and you’re irritated

Till it’s like every moment you hung in there’s been wasted.

You’re working really hard and still they’re giving you grief

Forgiving and appearing cowardly since all they want is beef.

So what’s the point if all your efforts keep biting the dust?

It’s like they owe you but you never stop paying these costs!

So you shut them out; they deserve neither love nor time

But before you made that decision tell me, did I cross your mind?

The question burning in your heart is “Why on earth do I bother?”

Your toil, pain & sweat lies disregarded yet they talk of honest labor.

Well mother always said opportunity comes but once,

And isn’t it the righteous who ought to be taking by force?

So forget the patient dog - you prefer flesh to bones

And it’s fine long as you get what you deserve, they’re on their own.

Because before you ever owned a bed, you imagine they’d all made theirs,

So is this why you revel in your greed and ignore the needy’s tears?

You may be thinking I’m a really hard person to please.

But those who know me would tell you that they disagree.

Please don’t assume you’re the only person stuff happens to

You’ve made me go through much worse…yet still I love you.

I do not want everything – just all of your heart;

‘Cus I could reach everywhere else as soon as I get that.

I’m very much in love with you, though often you think me a pain.

It’s little wonder you keep whining though…when you could just say my name...