Over Chocolate Cake and Coffee - 2

He remained silent for a long time. “I’ve always wanted to apologize you know. All these years I’ve been wanting and trying to but -- each time I think I have a chance, I just --- I don’t know, I always end up changing my mind like a cowardly goat.” He shook his head. “You didn’t deserve that oh...no one does. And I hate myself for the fact that I’m only just realizing that now.”

She shrugged. “I guess that was why you’ve been following me all this time? To apologize?”

He looked up at her, startled. “You knew!?”

“Of course. Your disguising skills are very sad. Somehow I always managed to spot you before you disappeared but then I’d keep doubting if you were the person I actually saw. Six years ago, three years ago and I think the last time is about a year plus now. How come you never said anything?”

“I was guilty…and scared. Have been all these years. The guilt wouldn’t let me have peace and I had no idea what to expect if I approached you, – I avoided thinking about it to be honest - especially after I found out my anger should have been aimed at someone else all along.”

“Well you’re facing me now aren’t you?”

She smiled encouragingly and although he didn’t think it possible a few moments before, he suddenly hated himself even more. She shouldn’t be acting so understanding. As they sat there in silence, their minds traveled back to the events that changed her life and never ceased to haunt his. She took a few far-spaced sips from her cup while he simply turned to look outside and gaze unseeingly at the cars in traffic outside the shop.

He was the first to break the silence and asked somberly. “When did you hear about her? As in, find out she was the one who did what we blamed you for?”

She took her time eating a piece of cake before responding. “On the news I think.” She looked at him. “What about you? Did you know?”

He shook his head. “I found out during my trial.”

“Oh.”

“I got only six years.” He glanced at her to gauge her reaction but she looked surprised. “I’m sure it must have killed you when you found out. I almost wish it was longer though.”

She rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to say that to impress me. Plus, I don’t really care what your sentence was – I’m actually just finding out. I stopped following the case after her confession and no one around me was to speak of it again.”

The grieved expression on his face wasn’t make-believe. “I swear, you cannot imagine my anguish when I realized the horrible mistake we’d ma--.

“Okay stop.” she interrupted. “It is you who can’t imagine my suffering at being deceived, lured into such a foul trap, and ripped to shreds by someone considered close enough to be family. So just quit it.”

“You’re right, I-.”

“Don’t talk to me about anguish, I beg you. Guilt, regret, shame maybe; not anguish.”

“Fine. What I am trying to say is I’ve never been sorrier for any action and I’ve regretted those choices every moment of every day for the past twelve years! I know what we did is unforgivable but-.”

“It’s isn’t. It was just cruel…emotionally crushing maybe, mentally destabilizing; but certainly not unforgivable.” Her face was blank as she pushed cake crumbs around on her plate with her fork.

Anthony considered her for close to a minute, frustrated, before glancing at his wristwatch. 9:45 Am. He looked at her again as she took another sip from her now lukewarm coffee. For the first time since they began interacting, he noticed the absence of any ring on her finger. He sighed internally. Of course she wouldn’t be married.

“You know, I think this was just a waste of your time and a vivid display of my selfishness. I’ll be leaving now.”

She raised her eyebrow and replaced the cup on the saucer. “What do you mean?”

“My apologies and my regrets are useless because they can’t undo what’s been done.” He felt so defeated and regarded her bare left hand once again. “Things might have been so - so much better for you if it hadn’t been for….”

She smiled and motioned to a waitress to come over. “You aren’t selfish to want forgiveness this guy. You wronged me, I hated you accordingly till I could move on and now you’re trying to lay your demons of guilt and condemnation to rest and move on as well. Simple.”

“Yet I deserve their torment and I know you think so too.”

“Anthony, focus. My opinion isn’t really relevant, but the truth always is. And the truth’s that you may have messed up big time, but then so have I at some point or points in my life, and so has the waiter who served us, and everyone else on planet earth. We may deserve tons of evil based on all the nonsense we’ve ever done but if someone decides to spare us all the punishment we are most deserving of, then why choose to punish ourselves? You have got to forgive yourself. I have.”

He almost laughed at that but stopped himself. What a liar. “I haven’t even apologized, technically.”

She shook her head. “I forgave you guys ages ago silly. Before you got out of jail and began following me around, before we began this conversation - I had already forgiven you.”

Anthony wasn’t buying it.

“That’s not even possible. What are you, some variety of martyr? No one does that please. You should hate us! I bet you do and this is just a front you’re using to hold your anger in check and not bury that fork in my chest.” She said nothing. “How can you be like this?”

She excused herself and spoke to the young lady who’d come to stand by their table, placing another order for what she’d just had. “Look, I’m not that much of a bad guy that I’d just let you guys off the hook and be forming World’s nicest. It’s not about my strength but the person who’s strengthened me. I’d be a wreck if I never met Him and, truth be told, He’s the only reason I was able to let the past go and move on with my life.”

Something changed in Anthony’s eyes. A tiny splinter of hope and relief began to creep in as he assumed she meant she’d found a guy who loved her despite her past. “Your boyfriend? He actually encouraged you to pardon bastards like us?” His tone showed he found the very idea ludicrous. “Wow. Strange guy. But I’m happy for you sha.”

“I wouldn’t say boyfriend exactly. Come, I’ll show you.” She pushed her now empty plate and cup to the side and leaned forward, placing the fat novel in the center of the table and turned it so Anthony could read also.

He barely glanced at it. “What’s this? Have you forgotten books and I were never close?”

“You’ll like this one. Trust me, it’ll answer your questions about my coping strategy much better than I can. The reason I didn’t stay depressed, was able to forgive you all, have moved on with my life and all of the stuff that sounds so mad to you – it’s all in here.”

The waitress arrived then, cleared the empty dishes and placed the fresh order beside Anthony. He looked at her and shook his head.

“I didn’t -.”

“I did. This discussion might take a while so you might as well have something.”

“I see.” He glanced at his wristwatch again. “Look, I’m actually game for this because I really need to understand and I’m near ecstatic that you’re even willing to explain and all, but you know you’ve got work right? I found out your shift begins by ten, unless I was misinformed.”

She shook her head. “I took the day off. Someone told me I’d be kind of busy with other things today.”

With that, she smiled at him for the umpteenth time, flipped the pages of her bible and right there began witnessing to the person who’d hurt her most about Jesus’ love, salvation and the dispensation of grace.

Thanks for reading! ^_^

xxx, Kwiksie.

Over Chocolate Cake and Coffee...

He watched from where he sat as she entered the overpriced confectionery shop, merely a walking distance from the beach. He knew she was just from her house; about three streets away. She’d grown a lot thinner since he’d last seen her – between a year or two, if he was doing his math right. On that occasion, just like all the others, he had been too much of a weakling to approach her and undertake his charge so he’d simply walked away moments before an encounter might have been made between them.

Of course he later regretted it. As he always did.

She placed her order at the counter and sat down to a thick novel in a corner of the shop that was partially hidden behind an enclave of potted plants. He wasn't surprised at her activity choice. She’d always been the bookworm.

He checked his wristwatch, it was almost 8:30am. While making his inquiries in a bid to locate her, he’d discovered that in the past year she had become a part-time nurse at one of the government hospitals. Her shift started at 10:00am. He didn't know how long she planned to stay, nor how much time it would take to do what he needed to, so he decided to approach her once her order was served.

As soon as he saw a waitress heading towards her with a tray bearing a cup of steaming coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, he got up from his table and took a deep breath. He reminded himself to stay calm no matter how things turned out. He didn't know what her reaction would be and avoided speculating on it before unpleasant imaginations would weaken his resolve. He turned and walked towards the back of the room.

When he got to her table, her attention was focused on stirring the sweetener into her cup of coffee. She sensed his presence but didn't look up, assuming he was a waiter. “Please would you mind getting me some sugar? This sweetener isn't quite doing the trick.”

He didn't know what to say and didn't want to startle her - any more than was unavoidable - so he just stood there, waiting for her to look up. After a few seconds, noticing the person hadn't moved, she looked up with a ready smile, thinking maybe the waiter considered her rude and had been offended by her not making eye contact. Their eyes met, hers’ widened slightly, the smile vanished and it took every ounce of courage and will power in him to remain where he was.

“Hello Anthony.” She smiled wryly for a brief moment and then motioned for him to take the seat across from her. He sat down without a word, his throat suddenly very dry. A waiter was cleaning the top of a recently vacated table nearby and she called to him, requesting for sugar. Afterwards, they both sat in silence. He couldn't bring himself to look at her face, she didn't take her eyes off of his.

“So tell me, how has life been treating you?”

He couldn't figure out if the question was posed to further deepen his guilt, or in the actual hopes that some great calamity had befallen him in the past decade. To him, whichever of the two fit the accurate description of her motives, she was justified. In curiosity, he finally looked up from the table cloth he’d been studying to scrutinize her expression and was stunned to find one of real concern displayed.

That made no sense.

He cleared his throat and shrugged. “Better than it should. You?”

He almost kicked himself immediately the word left his mouth. What right did he have to be asking her how her life was when he’d personally orchestrated its destruction?

She smiled into her steaming cup. “Better than I expected actually.”

He was getting confused at this point. Her behavior towards him wasn’t adding up. She was almost…friendly. He eyed her suspiciously for a while, almost doubting if it was really her until a thought hit him. Maybe she’d suffered from amnesia. It could be a selective kind since she appeared to remember him but obviously didn’t seem to recall the incident that should cause her to despise the very sight of him. “I suppose I’m to blame for decreasing your expectations then.” It wasn’t a question.

She seemed to ponder that momentarily before the waiter arrived with her requested sugar and she thanked him. “I don’t think it’s really about who to blame but to whom I owe gratitude.”

He sighed heavily. She was killing him here, and although she had more reason than most to do that, it was getting him impatient and more uncomfortable. “Look, you’re talking crazy and we both know it. I don’t have a loss of memory, alright? I know you’re probably just being sarcastic and trust me, I’m aware that I deserve a lot worse than that but -.”

“I’m not trying to be that or whatever else it is you’re imagining. I’m just grateful.”

“Grateful for what exactly?” He pushed away from the table slightly to avoid knocking something over with his gesticulating. He jabbed four fingers into his chest. “What I did to you? What we did to you? You’re happy that episode happened – what the hell are you even saying? I bet you wish you could rewind time and change all that, or at least fit in a part in the story where you get to drive a trailer over us or something.”

She’d been slowly stirring the sugar into her coffee throughout his outburst, keeping her head down. When she did look up, her eyes glistened and within a few seconds there were tear streaks on her face.

“I’d appreciate it if you quit blurting nonsense here Anthony. I’m the one who should be having emotional outbursts so you can try to hold yourself together.” She swatted a tear from her cheek, irritated at its presence. “I’m not ecstatic about what happened. Of course I’m not. Would it have been nice to escape all that pain? Yeah, I guess it would. But guess what Anthony? It did happen, I did suffer it and I’ve had to cope with that fact. Along the way, while I was doing my best to survive, I found joy and now I’ve learned to live. Would you prefer it if I’d told you I was suicidal? Is that what you were hoping to hear? That I’d become a depressed, miserable, forlorn shadow of a person? Would more tragedy in my life help to feed the guilt you so jealously guard? Hmmm?” She grabbed a serviette from beside her cake plate and dabbed her face. She was still crying, but her expression was one of annoyance.

He bent his head in shame, painfully aware of how right she was. He hadn’t realized it but he’d actually hoped she’d be bitter. It would have been an expected response and he could’ve lived with it, knowing she was warranted to feel that way. What he never anticipated was her finding happiness in spite of their history. He was at a loss for how to handle it.

She looked at him and her expression relaxed a little. “Anthony, my gratitude is for what my life is now. God knows I didn’t even dream I’d get here. It’s for how I’ve been enabled to survive the worst and have come to anticipate the best. I can’t help but be grateful.” He looked at her doubtfully, willing himself not to let any water leave his eyes and she smiled. “If it weren’t for that incident, unsavory and horrible as it was, I might never have gotten to experience some of the things in my life today which give me the most joy and contentment. So as crazy as it may sound to you, I am grateful for every experience that has gotten me to this point in my life. And that includes what happened twelve years ago..."

To be continued...

xxx, Kwiksie.