I Survived You

You’re the reason I have life

But you would have been the death of me.

I wish I’d known better than to hope you’d stutter

When you aimed them poison tipped words at my heart,

- One after another.

Eventually I became the un-recyclable due to consistent misuse,

And very much aware that by this fact you were almost amused.

But shortly after truth moved in to my mind i realized

That I’m the one who let you make me a believer in lies.

I considered blaming Daddy

when i paused from blaming you.

-After all he’s the one who didn’t want me-

But then neither did you.

That’s how rejection became my teddy

We'd cuddle each night as i fell asleep.

I’d shut my eyes hoping to shut out

Yells about who you were never meant to keep.

But alas, my eye shutting didn't leave me deaf and.

With time all the pains worsened

And the so familiar vacuum increased

- And I tried desperately to find treatment -

Because all this feeling was my disease.

So I tried to cut me out and leave behind a shell

Because that won’t ever be affected by the hurt he had to share.

But my blade must’ve been blunt and thus it left life in me.

It's as though even inanimate objects were out to make me unhappy!

The word happiness itself was a stranger but I craved its acquaintance

Which is why every note writ ended up in the bin

With that repeated pain-infused, self-death sentence.

I needed a distraction but my pain had my full attention

And it wasn't till after mistaking my body for dents in a vehicle,

That he realized I wasn't worth his exercise and perspiration-

Thus he walked out.

I let it matter till it became my atmosphere.

Convinced that for blood to reject me, I'd be unwanted everywhere

You never seemed interested enough to say something

So I gave up on you both thanks to your indifference and his abusing

Thinking if my partial creators found me so wanting,

Then I must be in need of some major correcting.

But all the grafting and patching I did further ripped me

Till I avoided everything I could be reflected in.

A death diet was the next place I sought relief

Perhaps a variety of tastes would alleviate the grief?

However gorging myself didn’t quite numb me ---

I needed to find more effective pain feed.

The pills first seemed to be helping

When Insomnia somehow became normalcy;

Because the nightmares wouldn’t let me dream of better days

And all my days I lived in depression’s dark hallway.

However soon I couldn’t cope if I’d not ‘popped’ some

-all I ever really wanted was lasting oblivion.

Consciousness had never seemed to add value, and so

If my body had to stay – maybe my mind could go?

But nothing worked, I was miserable, and you cared not.

Till the flower of hope in my mind began to rot.

Whatever made me think you would ever choose to change?

Either way, whatever it was and I got disengaged.

With time I walked away, determined to never look back

and on the way, someone trained me to get my life on track

Now I’m all grown up but found a new beginning

Daily learning to leave the past that wouldn't let joy in.

The cavity in my heart's gotten a permanent filling

So I'm done existing...yeah mom, I'm living.

Dedicated to everyone who's been through (going through) some deep stuff.

Thank God you survived//have held on this long.

Just remember...Jesus will ALWAYS be the answer. :) <3

xxx, Kwiksie~

Thank You For The Now

The betrayal, the pain, the regrets, and the tears.

They were all I ever knew, and they knew me best.

I never got to understand my own actions,

I gave my all too soon and in return received piercing fractions.

Thus each blow to my heart signaled my eyes to express sorrow...

And I taught myself to dread all my tomorrows.

But you've managed to bring me from that point,

Though I can't fully explain how.

So in spite of my dim yesterdays,

At least I can thank you for the now.

None of them ever cared and they didn't pretend they wanted to.

We were alone and wounded and had never even heard of You.

My fury was worthless, fantasies of revenge the only lifeline.

I couldn't protect anyone and growing up took way too much time.

It went on almost forever, and my hatred burned deeper for our abuser and his supporter.

Where were you then and why are you just coming around?

Couldn’t you hear as each day in hurt and pain we screamed out loud!?

I've been told you can fix everything

But in my case I can't see how.

If you wouldn't save me then...

How can I trust you to save me now?

You think you've seen filthy? Well let me introduce you to me.

I'd fill in more details but this life excluding the eternal keeps me too busy.

I hear you're searching for who to save...move along

I'm not money for the bank, and I actually revel in my wrong.

I am successful, influential, and in my youth's prime;

So the only light I want in my life is the one prefixed with lime.

I don't think you know me, but I could care less if you did.

My life is mine to auction, and I’m ignoring your bid.

When people wonder how I manage to be so loved

I look in a mirror, point and say: "That's How!"

So now that you know I’m the reason behind my rising above,

Do you yet insist that for absolutely nothing I thank you now?

I had always hoped that in me you’d trust.

Letting go of your desperation and romance lust.

You chose to learn the hard way by getting bruised

That if you’d waited upon me you’d not have been so used.

But it pleases my heart that eventually you realized

That no one can truly value you until he sees with my eyes.

What you were forced to suffer was never my will

I loved you prior and I love you still.

In truth, you’d known of me but paid little attention

And thus my message of love - grace - forgiveness yet again knew rejection.

It broke my heart repeatedly, your pain.

But even moreso that it was the reason you wouldn’t let me in.

I longed to wipe those tears; heal that broken body and heart.

Evil has had its fun…won’t you let righteousness play His part?

I sense deceit has been well peddled to you

Else why should you be delighted at being played for a fool?

The issue is you’ve got it all twisted

And I’m hoping you’ll correct that before your time here is ended.

You’re convinced you don’t need me?

Your very heart beat proves you wrong.

If you believe it’s the world that loves you;

Then why am I the only one who hung?

You might have become too blinded to see

Just how much you need saving.

But if you give me the opportunity

You’ll have the best reason to give thanks to me.

It may not always seem reasonable

Especially when life’s weight tries to make you bow.

But rather than regret the past and fear the future

You can let me love you now.

Happy New Year beautiful people. :)

xxx, Kwiksie.~

Life: It Isn’t Yours’ To Take (pt. 2)

Hi people. Hope you’ve been ruminating on my last post for the past few days (?).

Yeah, well you see I’m not quite finished with this topic (to be honest I don’t think it can be stressed enough) and I just have to do the best that I can with the help of the Holy Spirit to drum it into the Spirits, hearts and minds of every single individual who’s thus far been deceived that ‘the world would be a better place without me’ is a proven truth.

Please. That’s the lamest lie I have EVER heard.

No really, it actually is.

I mean uhm, hel-looo! Has it ever been reported that there was a decrease in the rate at which the ozone layer was depleting because someone killed themselves? Or maybe that there was a sudden decrease in poverty levels worldwide, or an unexplainable extinction all across the globe of much feared ailments like cancer (of whatever kind) and AIDS and STDs and all the rest of them? Can you link me to one such case, whereby someone thoughtlessly wasting their precious lives, given to them by the Almighty, resulted in some positive and edifying testimony??? I’ll help you with that one; THE ANSWER IS NO! Alright? Good is not birthed by evil, EVER! Your death will not fix whatever it is you’re trying to run from, it will not change the situation that has bruised you so badly, it will NEVER help anybody, and worst of all, it will FOREVER (as in, permanently plus a little extra) separate you from an eternity with Jesus. You have nothing to GAIN and EVERYTHING to LOSE if you give into the urge to destroy you.

How does accepting the short-term offer with the bleakest and most depressing prospects ever, become more appealing than the long-term one with a lasting and trusted promise?! o__0

I just don’t get it!

Please believe me when I say this; suicide is a scam! It never works. And the worst part is, the moment you fall for its peddler’s honey-coated lies and buy into it, you can’t get a refund. 

You are stuck with that decision and there is no turning back. It isn’t THE solution to a million problems like thousands believe; it is simply a much speedier way to fall into an escape-proof pit, where all the nightmares and pain and heartbreak and trials you thought you were escaping from, reside…with all their many cousins.

This is not an attempt to put fear into any heart (fear’s not God’s thing, it’s the devil’s) but instead hope. To remind you that there’s such a glorious reason He’s helped you hold it together this long, to remind you not to give up.

God’s the maker of every happy ending and even though we human beings try our hardest a lot of the time to turn our stories into heart-wrenching tales of woe, He still is able to weave a wonderful, colorful conclusion out of the mess we make of things! But, only if we let Him help.

To my darling brother or sister dealing with or struggling with whatever trial, tragedy, dilemma, sickness, attack, addiction, pain, hurt, heartbreak, poverty, crisis… (anything at all), who’s reading this right now, all I’m trying to let you know is, there IS someone who can fix all this (someone who can help you fix things as well) and you’ve got no idea how much He yearns to! But you’ve got to quit running!

Quit running from Him and His truth.

      You have to stop fighting His love.

      Stop trying to scienc-ify His awesome power.

      Stop trying to challenge His authority.

      Stop taking for granted His mercy.

      Stop questioning His will.

      Stop ridiculing His gracious sacrifice

      And stop limiting His unrestrained, unconditional love for you.

You need to stop right where you are and admit it to yourself: You need Him. You need Jesus. To save you, and help you and guide, lead, direct, protect, shield and comfort you. You need to believe that He really does love you, and gave His very life up WILLINGLY so nobody would ever have the right to hurt or separate you from His love. But you can render all that a waste and make the one who despises you the most ecstatically happy if you reject Jesus and throw His love right back in His face. You need to choose wisely…

So, what’s it going to be mate? <3

Xxx, Kwiksie~