Picture Imperfect: What A Moth Taught Me.

It's been awhile. How have you been?

If your response is the customary "Just Awesome!" or "Never been better!!" I hope you mean it. And if you do then I'm really thrilled for you. :)

If yours' is more along the lines of "Life is messed up.", "They're all trying to kill me!", "I can't do this anymore." or the like...

I'm not going to say it's not that bad (because it very possibly might be from where you're standing), or order you to cheer up or anything like that. I will say a prayer for you though; hoping you get all the help you need - whatever form help chooses to take in your context - and that you remember to look away from all the endless issues long enough to realize all the other good things in existence didn't suddenly disappear just because the bad stuff suddenly drew too near.

So...hang in there okay? Please.

Right. Someone's probably wondering 'What's up with the Moth lessons?'...or not. Anyway, this post is really inspired by something God brought to my heart while i was going through some photographs i took early Saturday morning last week.

On my way to handball training (yes, I want you to know I play ^_^), i saw this lovely moth just off the walkway. Maybe it's just me, but i really loved the contrast it's bright orange wings (splashed with some yellow and a few white spots) made against the coal-tarred ground. So yeah, taking a picture came to mind almost instantly. There was however, a small issue; one that became more real to me as i tried futilely to get a clear shot on my - ahem - 4th generation iPod touch. (Judge not. It has given me some pretty good photos in the past).

The dear moth was flapping its wings. Really fast. -_-

As you can guess, this was making my mission near impossible because before my old faithful iPod was able to register and process my gentle tap on the camera button, the wings would have speedily flapped up and down about thrice - leaving me with several blurry would-be nice takes. #sigh What's a girl to do right?

Long story short, I did this really un-ladylike squat to get close enough - hoping it wouldn't just up and fly away - and took what i could, begging it the whole time to pause it's flapping for just a moment. Of course, it didn't acknowledge my pleas (arrogant thing) and later, while going through my pictures and thanking God for the few un-blurry moth shots i got, He brought a few things to mind; the summary of which is: If we decide to hope for the beauty we desire to own in life, to WAIT patiently for us to come get it (or make itself easy to be caught), then we're going to end up missing out on all the beauty there is. I'll explain.

So apparently, from my little account, the uncooperative moth model was a representation of beauty I wanted to own. Something i appreciated and wanted to be able to access whenever I felt like it (from my photo library). But then, it would have been unwise for me to rush back to my hall, run up the stairs to my room, begin a search for my more advanced digital camera, and then come back out to conveniently take the picture. Why? Uhhh because》》》what are the odds that someone wouldn't have carelessly crushed the moth while walking by? Or that the moth's flapping wasn't its way of gearing up for flight? Or that in my hurry i wouldn't have dropped my camera on my way down and then caused a whole different issue for myself?

See many times we desire things (I'm talking about good, positive, edifying, profitable things now), but then our responses to these desires are sometimes the issue. How do we go about pursuing what we seek? Are we all lackadaisical or enthusiastic? Do we procrastinate? Whether it's in one's mental life, emotional life, physical life, spiritual life -- the point is, how do we respond to an identified and acknowledged need/want?

Life is no butler. It's not about to wait on you. Don't get it twisted, this is not me drumming some 'Live in the moment and forget everything else' principle. However, we sometimes need to remember/be reminded that things are hardly ever going to turn out just the way we want it. But then, the way we want may not even be a great way anyway. Think about it. If the moth was still&calm, proceeding events = uneventful. I take my shot and it's like every other moth I've taken (except they're usually on the wall and this was on the floor). I don't get any inspiration for this post. I don't get the satisfaction of finding a solution to a challenge. I don't get to improve my photography skills. In fact, ALL i'd get would be the moth' photograph - nothing more. But with theway thingswent downI got that and a little extra. Now if in spite of the flapping, I decided to have no chill and walked away irritated, I'd have ended up with nothing and the moment/experience/opportunity  would pass. And that's it.

There are so many instances and examples i could give where we miss out on capturing the beautiful blessings God surrounds us with each day, but then I'm sure you can think up a few yourself. All I'm driving at is, we can't keep waiting for things to be convenient or ideal before we take the action(s) we know are necessary. I mean seriously, let's stop it. It's a waste of time and breath. Don't be too arrogant, nor too lazy, nor too confident, nor too cowardly, nor too intelligent, nor too simple, nor too worldly, nor too religious, to pursue that which is of true worth. Avoid letting minor distractions or temptations or glitches, completely take your attention off what is of most priority. Time waits for no man (woman, boy, or girl), so quit stalling already.

For instance, you're reading this and you've been doing this back and forth dance with thoughts of accepting Jesus into your life. Ma'am, Sir - what's up with that? If you realise you need Him. Admit it. Accept Him, and get on with your mission on this here earth. Life isn't going to pause rapidly beating a whole lot of things up and down to give you time to clear your head and make the best decision of your life. Hassles and distractions and natural disasters and economic crises and social conflicts and academic challenges and financial wants and all the problems you can think up, aren't leaving just yet. They won't stop! Bad things won't stop happening either I can bet - they won't even slow down - but that doesn't mean you have to miss all the good things both within and around the bad. Take a risk and step out in faith. The beauty is right there - get your hands out of your pockets! Take back that dying relationship that you know has no business being in the grave. Take back the humble and considerate person you used to be before you let things change. Take back your joy, take back your purity -- don't worry, this isn't you being stingy. Take back the controls over your emotions, your anger, your tongue, your spending, your living...take back what you let get stolen, and guard the beauty you've been blessed with jealously.

If life won't slow down, you slow down. Don't walk past your inspiration. Don't carelessly crush the very things that should keep you going strong. Don't beg the interruptions to give you a break. See things through God's eyes...view through the lens of faith. Then, even at life's most restless moments...

Future perfect will always always be your take.

Amen.

xxx, Kwiksie.

It's Just Not eNouGh!

Hi people.

I know, I know. It's been a while. Like a friend once wrote some years back; "Life's been deeper than rap for me" in recent times. But I think it's a more positive than a negative depth though...Either-way, please forgive my busy-ness dear folks.

Before i begin, let me give you my word that this will not be a lengthy post (to be honest, as i type  right now, I'm not 80% certain i can keep this promise). However, if it starts seeming unlikely for me to stick to this as we go along, I'll just delete this part. :D

Okay, basically, I'm sure majority of us know what goals are. And if there were people who didn't know the dictionary definition, i'm almost certain that hasn't stopped them from setting one goal or the other at some point. Now if you're going to set a goal, then it's safe to assume that if the desire to accomplish it is really there, you'd come up with a working strategy that's geared towards attaining it. Beyond planning and strategizing, you'd begin to actively work out and implement in reality, what has been plotted on paper.

It's pretty simple right?

But then, as effective and useful as this simple process is, many people neglect to use it. Instead, their

cycle looks something like this; 1. I have this goal i want to attain. 2. I have no idea what the best way to attain it is. 3. I take absolutely no reasonable action towards the attainment of this goal. 4. I expect the goal to be attained.

Wow. *Claps hands* Nice one.

See it takes a lot more than 'wanting' to get things done. As the well known saying goes; 'Pursuit is the proof of desire.' It's about time we got off those hypothetical high horses and got active.

It's not enough to wish this generation were better trained and less immoral. (Proverbs 22:6)

It's not enough to cuss out your leaders and sentence your country to doom. (1Timothy2:1-3)

It's not enough to wear the title 'Christian' like a head warmer. (Colossians 1:10)

It's not enough to sit wishing for the perfect partner/buckets of money/a good name. (Matthew 6:33)

It's not enough to keep needing, nor to keep wanting, nor to keep getting. (Luke 6:38)

It's not enough to be a 'good doer' or 'good person' or 'responsible citizen'. (Romans 10:9-10)

It's not enough to know the problem and hope for a better tomorrow. (James 2:14-26)

It's not about being good enough or giving it your best shot. It's about knowing who is, understanding that He is your best shot, choosing Him and doing what He wills. <2 Corinthians 12:9-10>

That's what you do when nothing less can truly get things done.

xxx, Kwiksie.~

P.s: I kept my promise! ^_^

On Titles, Motives, and Homosexuality

Hi there you wonderful person you! :D

How's it going? On my end, life's been busy. But the gist of its busy-ness will have to be shared with you some other time.

Okay, so between 3 and 4am this morning I was trying to catch up on some of the blog posts of folks I follow on Wordpress.com (that account is kwiksie.wordpress.com, in case you were wondering) and I came across this oooold post by blogger Micahel J. Pittman (Here's the link to it: (http://michaeljpittman.com/2014/11/21/im-a-married-man-who-loves-another-man/comment-page-1/). Basically, the post was great and I learnt a thing or two from it. As you can see from the link, the title is a bit controversial and so the first person who commented on it expressed her displeasure at the fact that a believer like him would use the 'cheap trick' of controversial titles just to get readers, especially when there are likely brethren who could be misled into thinking the post would help them in their struggle with homosexuality.

Hmmm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Of course, I understood her standpoint (I personally hate it when I get misled by a News headline on Yahoo mail, thinking it's something serious and finding that an article is actually just a bunch of worthless gossip. #sigh #smh) but then I thought the title was pretty creative and something you could just 'read between the lines' to grab. Nevertheless, i decided to comment. But because I'm still learning to talk less and give less lectures over statements of two paragraphs, my comment on the post ended up being lengthy enough to become my blog post for today. ^_^

Please try to simply read it as though you were the one who posted the comment and I am now sending you a response, okay? Excellent! :)

___

Assuming his intentions are primarily to garner attention from readers may not be the best approach. Love gives the benefit of a doubt sis and since (I believe) your goal here isn’t just to ‘Tell-him-off-cus-you-can’ but rather express concern and be your brothers’ keeper, an accusatory assumption may not quite do the trick because truth is none of us really like that (especially if we just made a mistake or have been misunderstood) and all it does is put one on the defensive and could prompt a person to be un-receptive to sincere and even profitable counsel.

Your point does make a heap of sense though and i can totally appreciate your concerns. You see a title, expect to see one thing, read the post, and find something else. I know. But you see, getting folks to be interested enough to sit and read something in our mega fast-paced era is not the easiest task in the world so you need to catch their attention – make them want to go beyond the first glance (just in case they clicked your blog link accidentally, lol). This is not me trying to defend anything though, I’d just like you to be a little more generous with that benefit of a doubt we give ourselves. :)

Now on many of my posts – whatever genre they are (prose or poetry) I sometimes get a title in my Spirit and that’s even what brings the ideas for the actual content flooding in. I’m all God’s (Spirit, soul, body) so I know my creativity and inspiration are totally from Him – that doesn’t mean I don’t need to make adjustments 95% of the time, alter diction a bit, get feedback, etc. Why? Because although I know what was put in my heart and what i intend to pass across, people can perceive things in all sorts of ways so breaking things down is sometimes necessary. Yet I try to put myself in the shoes of my reader, and i can honestly say some titles I use would interest me if i were randomly browsing the net or going through blogs i follow or mistakenly clicked on a link, etc. Have I then chosen to mislead and deceive if i used a pun in my title or some witty metaphor (because that’s really the fun thing about literature) or at least just make you curious enough to give my blog more than a cursory glance? Have I chosen to mislead if I force you to try to read beyond the words to the meanings behind them every now and then?

When I saw this post, I got that He was referring to Jesus after half a second. Why? Because first, he used the present tense and not past (I am…who loves…). I haven’t read too many of his posts, but I think I've seen one that talked about his relationship with his wife, its progression, their submission to God’s will, purity, etc. If he was gay all through their courtship, I’m thinking he would have mentioned it at least once (if not to us then her) or it would be part of his testimonies of growth in Christ, establishing his authority as a believer and all that. An honest believer should not keep something like that from his intended so it’d be expected that they hold off wedding bells until he receives the manifestation of his freedom from that lifestyle. Follow my drift?

Some titles like those are very easy to misconstrue because majority of us have preconceived notions; but we should share some of the blame of misinterpreting with that fact, and not dump it all on the author fam. I mean, do you attack the director of a movie because there was too much suspense? Or if the plot twist didn’t align with your expectations? (Well, some folks do…and others often just appreciate the irony). ;)

Yes the title can give many the wrong impression (myself included) but that doesn’t make it valueless when you’ve gotten over that surprise; yes some brethren (and even none brethren) might have been anticipating a testimonial/testimony of sorts that could help them make practical their love for God and live in righteousness and purity, but hey, that’s not what it was. That doesn’t mean there’s nothing to gain from the post! They could apply the understanding that they as members of the church – Jesus’ bride – are on this mission called life to do His will and serve His purposes and not necessarily to pay attention to every urge or emotion (no matter how strong) that tries to derail us from this focus. I am fully aware that it can be a trying and difficult struggle for many and i can never claim to know what such brethren are going through because I don’t. What i do know is that there are millions of sinful lifestyles and habits that are mega-tough to let go of and discipline the flesh to abstain from – but then that’s why we have the Holy Spirit and God chose to redeem us by grace through faith, because He knows it’ll take more than a blog post from Michael Pittman to renew our minds and cleanse us from the filth of our former lives (the way we lived before accepting the gift of salvation in Jesus Christ).

So my very lengthy point is, those struggling with homosexuality SHOULD believe that there is someone who understands – way better than the author of this post even – what they’re going through (especially if they’ve already met Jesus). They should also go beyond THINKING they have a chance at a godly lifestyle to KNOWING they do – because when Jesus said he’d already won the victory for us over SIN, SICKNESS, POVERTY, DEATH; when He breathed His last on that cross and said ‘It is finished’…He meant it. Life does not revolve around our preferences, or opinions, or emotions, or convenience, or what we think we have legit right to , etc. - True life revolves around Jesus Christ and the word says He has made all that we need to succeed in this race to heaven available to us (2 Peter 1:3) – including the grace and strength and resilience to fight the urges of our past sinful natures. When something is shared out of a sincere love for God and His children and is in line with scripture, it can minister to anyone. What’s important is your attitude. A beautiful song full of devotion and worship to God may minister to and convict one person and be just an entertaining tune to another – you’ll only find value in something when you search for it. Positive or negative.

In all sincerity, my brethren battling homosexual desires can take from this post (and  this comment) that their love for their Lord and Savior Jesus – the bridegroom – MUST precede and define/guide every other love, relationship, lifestyle, etc. That love is beyond romantic feelings and attraction and emotions and sex. That the agape love that should be the lifestyle of the believer is way more spiritual than it is carnal/physical. You can never walk in agape without God’s grace and the enablement of the Holy Spirit – and the good news is, WE’VE GOT BOTH! So we should know we’ve already won the victory over every sin that used to be ‘second nature’ and are no longer subject to Satan’s dictatorship. We grow into living holy through the renewal of our minds by the word of God! Blog posts and articles and devotionals are all very nice but their main goals should be to strike a hunger in you to seek out the real deal, the full picture in the Holy Scriptures and ask God that the eyes of our hearts be enlightened (Ephisians 1:17) so we know exactly what He’s saying to us and how we can apply to everyday living – even as we work out our salvation (Philippians 2:12).

Please forgive me for writing another blog post in the guise of a comment. ;)

Blessings and Peace. <3

:)

xxx, Kwiksie ~

'The Woman I want To Be' series (part 11)

The woman who properly manages her home.

Father, I know you expect me to be a good and diligent caretaker of all that you have placed in my possession. I take charge and care of the home you have blessed me with. I am the woman who handles and governs the affairs of her home to bring about success despite difficulty in any area. I choose to put my time to the profitable use of building a strong and sturdy environment for my children to grow in, I choose to ensure my home is always filled with love and warmth, I choose to ceaselessly seek for your peace to reign over my dwelling in all circumstances, and I choose to keep you as the author and foundation of my home to lead myself and household in all and help me protect that which you have entrusted to me. I use your wisdom and direction to effectively maximize all the resources you make available to me and I will ensure the place I call home is a place that exudes with the light and warmth of your love, and a place where, through you, countless can find lasting help, healing, counsel and comfort.

As I am yet unmarried, may I apply such wisdom, diligence, organization, discipline and love as I assist my mother in managing her own home.

You're a God of order who values the institution of the family. I’ll continue to value family and ensure order reigns in my home.

xxx, Kwiksie.

The Woman I Want To Be series (Part 10)

     The Woman Who Honors Her Parents.

     Exodus 20:12, Leviticus 19:3, Deuteronomy 5:16, 1 Timothy 5:4 and Ephisians 6:1-3, are some scriptures expressing the importance You place on the respect and honor we show to the primary individuals You've placed over us on this earth. Though each individual is unique, and parenting styles cannot all be the same, I am fully aware that I could never have better parents than the ones You have blessed me with. Sure they can improve and better align their hearts, minds and actions to Your desires and instructions, but it's not like I could select two individuals who'd 'fit' me better. Even if they didn't get to know You, nor learn to treat me with love, kindness, or consideration, I'd yet have reason to thank You for salvation, for helping me endure in love and righteousness, for equipping me with the grace to forgive any wrongs done to me, and for the power in your word and prayer. Still, I'm grateful that I've been blessed with people who're devoted and loyal to You.

I am the woman who consistently treats her parents with high respect, as befitting under-shepherds of Jesus . You have a reason for placing them as my earthly heads and I will value them as stewards you use to guide me, and vessels who help to impart your wisdom and truth to me. I refuse to succumb to the temptation to be haughty or insolent in my relations with them; even when we disagree. Help me to be reminded that because they know You and practice loving like You do, that their every action is taken with the intent of providing the best for me. If ever their desires or instructions are in contradiction to your will and plans for my life, help me express my refusal to such in love and not in arrogance, and give me the wisdom to handle such situations only in a manner that would bring you honor and joy.

I live my life to honor You, and that includes honoring my parents.

xxx, Kwiksie.

Over Chocolate Cake and Coffee - 2

He remained silent for a long time. “I’ve always wanted to apologize you know. All these years I’ve been wanting and trying to but -- each time I think I have a chance, I just --- I don’t know, I always end up changing my mind like a cowardly goat.” He shook his head. “You didn’t deserve that oh...no one does. And I hate myself for the fact that I’m only just realizing that now.”

She shrugged. “I guess that was why you’ve been following me all this time? To apologize?”

He looked up at her, startled. “You knew!?”

“Of course. Your disguising skills are very sad. Somehow I always managed to spot you before you disappeared but then I’d keep doubting if you were the person I actually saw. Six years ago, three years ago and I think the last time is about a year plus now. How come you never said anything?”

“I was guilty…and scared. Have been all these years. The guilt wouldn’t let me have peace and I had no idea what to expect if I approached you, – I avoided thinking about it to be honest - especially after I found out my anger should have been aimed at someone else all along.”

“Well you’re facing me now aren’t you?”

She smiled encouragingly and although he didn’t think it possible a few moments before, he suddenly hated himself even more. She shouldn’t be acting so understanding. As they sat there in silence, their minds traveled back to the events that changed her life and never ceased to haunt his. She took a few far-spaced sips from her cup while he simply turned to look outside and gaze unseeingly at the cars in traffic outside the shop.

He was the first to break the silence and asked somberly. “When did you hear about her? As in, find out she was the one who did what we blamed you for?”

She took her time eating a piece of cake before responding. “On the news I think.” She looked at him. “What about you? Did you know?”

He shook his head. “I found out during my trial.”

“Oh.”

“I got only six years.” He glanced at her to gauge her reaction but she looked surprised. “I’m sure it must have killed you when you found out. I almost wish it was longer though.”

She rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to say that to impress me. Plus, I don’t really care what your sentence was – I’m actually just finding out. I stopped following the case after her confession and no one around me was to speak of it again.”

The grieved expression on his face wasn’t make-believe. “I swear, you cannot imagine my anguish when I realized the horrible mistake we’d ma--.

“Okay stop.” she interrupted. “It is you who can’t imagine my suffering at being deceived, lured into such a foul trap, and ripped to shreds by someone considered close enough to be family. So just quit it.”

“You’re right, I-.”

“Don’t talk to me about anguish, I beg you. Guilt, regret, shame maybe; not anguish.”

“Fine. What I am trying to say is I’ve never been sorrier for any action and I’ve regretted those choices every moment of every day for the past twelve years! I know what we did is unforgivable but-.”

“It’s isn’t. It was just cruel…emotionally crushing maybe, mentally destabilizing; but certainly not unforgivable.” Her face was blank as she pushed cake crumbs around on her plate with her fork.

Anthony considered her for close to a minute, frustrated, before glancing at his wristwatch. 9:45 Am. He looked at her again as she took another sip from her now lukewarm coffee. For the first time since they began interacting, he noticed the absence of any ring on her finger. He sighed internally. Of course she wouldn’t be married.

“You know, I think this was just a waste of your time and a vivid display of my selfishness. I’ll be leaving now.”

She raised her eyebrow and replaced the cup on the saucer. “What do you mean?”

“My apologies and my regrets are useless because they can’t undo what’s been done.” He felt so defeated and regarded her bare left hand once again. “Things might have been so - so much better for you if it hadn’t been for….”

She smiled and motioned to a waitress to come over. “You aren’t selfish to want forgiveness this guy. You wronged me, I hated you accordingly till I could move on and now you’re trying to lay your demons of guilt and condemnation to rest and move on as well. Simple.”

“Yet I deserve their torment and I know you think so too.”

“Anthony, focus. My opinion isn’t really relevant, but the truth always is. And the truth’s that you may have messed up big time, but then so have I at some point or points in my life, and so has the waiter who served us, and everyone else on planet earth. We may deserve tons of evil based on all the nonsense we’ve ever done but if someone decides to spare us all the punishment we are most deserving of, then why choose to punish ourselves? You have got to forgive yourself. I have.”

He almost laughed at that but stopped himself. What a liar. “I haven’t even apologized, technically.”

She shook her head. “I forgave you guys ages ago silly. Before you got out of jail and began following me around, before we began this conversation - I had already forgiven you.”

Anthony wasn’t buying it.

“That’s not even possible. What are you, some variety of martyr? No one does that please. You should hate us! I bet you do and this is just a front you’re using to hold your anger in check and not bury that fork in my chest.” She said nothing. “How can you be like this?”

She excused herself and spoke to the young lady who’d come to stand by their table, placing another order for what she’d just had. “Look, I’m not that much of a bad guy that I’d just let you guys off the hook and be forming World’s nicest. It’s not about my strength but the person who’s strengthened me. I’d be a wreck if I never met Him and, truth be told, He’s the only reason I was able to let the past go and move on with my life.”

Something changed in Anthony’s eyes. A tiny splinter of hope and relief began to creep in as he assumed she meant she’d found a guy who loved her despite her past. “Your boyfriend? He actually encouraged you to pardon bastards like us?” His tone showed he found the very idea ludicrous. “Wow. Strange guy. But I’m happy for you sha.”

“I wouldn’t say boyfriend exactly. Come, I’ll show you.” She pushed her now empty plate and cup to the side and leaned forward, placing the fat novel in the center of the table and turned it so Anthony could read also.

He barely glanced at it. “What’s this? Have you forgotten books and I were never close?”

“You’ll like this one. Trust me, it’ll answer your questions about my coping strategy much better than I can. The reason I didn’t stay depressed, was able to forgive you all, have moved on with my life and all of the stuff that sounds so mad to you – it’s all in here.”

The waitress arrived then, cleared the empty dishes and placed the fresh order beside Anthony. He looked at her and shook his head.

“I didn’t -.”

“I did. This discussion might take a while so you might as well have something.”

“I see.” He glanced at his wristwatch again. “Look, I’m actually game for this because I really need to understand and I’m near ecstatic that you’re even willing to explain and all, but you know you’ve got work right? I found out your shift begins by ten, unless I was misinformed.”

She shook her head. “I took the day off. Someone told me I’d be kind of busy with other things today.”

With that, she smiled at him for the umpteenth time, flipped the pages of her bible and right there began witnessing to the person who’d hurt her most about Jesus’ love, salvation and the dispensation of grace.

Thanks for reading! ^_^

xxx, Kwiksie.

Over Chocolate Cake and Coffee...

He watched from where he sat as she entered the overpriced confectionery shop, merely a walking distance from the beach. He knew she was just from her house; about three streets away. She’d grown a lot thinner since he’d last seen her – between a year or two, if he was doing his math right. On that occasion, just like all the others, he had been too much of a weakling to approach her and undertake his charge so he’d simply walked away moments before an encounter might have been made between them.

Of course he later regretted it. As he always did.

She placed her order at the counter and sat down to a thick novel in a corner of the shop that was partially hidden behind an enclave of potted plants. He wasn't surprised at her activity choice. She’d always been the bookworm.

He checked his wristwatch, it was almost 8:30am. While making his inquiries in a bid to locate her, he’d discovered that in the past year she had become a part-time nurse at one of the government hospitals. Her shift started at 10:00am. He didn't know how long she planned to stay, nor how much time it would take to do what he needed to, so he decided to approach her once her order was served.

As soon as he saw a waitress heading towards her with a tray bearing a cup of steaming coffee and a slice of chocolate cake, he got up from his table and took a deep breath. He reminded himself to stay calm no matter how things turned out. He didn't know what her reaction would be and avoided speculating on it before unpleasant imaginations would weaken his resolve. He turned and walked towards the back of the room.

When he got to her table, her attention was focused on stirring the sweetener into her cup of coffee. She sensed his presence but didn't look up, assuming he was a waiter. “Please would you mind getting me some sugar? This sweetener isn't quite doing the trick.”

He didn't know what to say and didn't want to startle her - any more than was unavoidable - so he just stood there, waiting for her to look up. After a few seconds, noticing the person hadn't moved, she looked up with a ready smile, thinking maybe the waiter considered her rude and had been offended by her not making eye contact. Their eyes met, hers’ widened slightly, the smile vanished and it took every ounce of courage and will power in him to remain where he was.

“Hello Anthony.” She smiled wryly for a brief moment and then motioned for him to take the seat across from her. He sat down without a word, his throat suddenly very dry. A waiter was cleaning the top of a recently vacated table nearby and she called to him, requesting for sugar. Afterwards, they both sat in silence. He couldn't bring himself to look at her face, she didn't take her eyes off of his.

“So tell me, how has life been treating you?”

He couldn't figure out if the question was posed to further deepen his guilt, or in the actual hopes that some great calamity had befallen him in the past decade. To him, whichever of the two fit the accurate description of her motives, she was justified. In curiosity, he finally looked up from the table cloth he’d been studying to scrutinize her expression and was stunned to find one of real concern displayed.

That made no sense.

He cleared his throat and shrugged. “Better than it should. You?”

He almost kicked himself immediately the word left his mouth. What right did he have to be asking her how her life was when he’d personally orchestrated its destruction?

She smiled into her steaming cup. “Better than I expected actually.”

He was getting confused at this point. Her behavior towards him wasn’t adding up. She was almost…friendly. He eyed her suspiciously for a while, almost doubting if it was really her until a thought hit him. Maybe she’d suffered from amnesia. It could be a selective kind since she appeared to remember him but obviously didn’t seem to recall the incident that should cause her to despise the very sight of him. “I suppose I’m to blame for decreasing your expectations then.” It wasn’t a question.

She seemed to ponder that momentarily before the waiter arrived with her requested sugar and she thanked him. “I don’t think it’s really about who to blame but to whom I owe gratitude.”

He sighed heavily. She was killing him here, and although she had more reason than most to do that, it was getting him impatient and more uncomfortable. “Look, you’re talking crazy and we both know it. I don’t have a loss of memory, alright? I know you’re probably just being sarcastic and trust me, I’m aware that I deserve a lot worse than that but -.”

“I’m not trying to be that or whatever else it is you’re imagining. I’m just grateful.”

“Grateful for what exactly?” He pushed away from the table slightly to avoid knocking something over with his gesticulating. He jabbed four fingers into his chest. “What I did to you? What we did to you? You’re happy that episode happened – what the hell are you even saying? I bet you wish you could rewind time and change all that, or at least fit in a part in the story where you get to drive a trailer over us or something.”

She’d been slowly stirring the sugar into her coffee throughout his outburst, keeping her head down. When she did look up, her eyes glistened and within a few seconds there were tear streaks on her face.

“I’d appreciate it if you quit blurting nonsense here Anthony. I’m the one who should be having emotional outbursts so you can try to hold yourself together.” She swatted a tear from her cheek, irritated at its presence. “I’m not ecstatic about what happened. Of course I’m not. Would it have been nice to escape all that pain? Yeah, I guess it would. But guess what Anthony? It did happen, I did suffer it and I’ve had to cope with that fact. Along the way, while I was doing my best to survive, I found joy and now I’ve learned to live. Would you prefer it if I’d told you I was suicidal? Is that what you were hoping to hear? That I’d become a depressed, miserable, forlorn shadow of a person? Would more tragedy in my life help to feed the guilt you so jealously guard? Hmmm?” She grabbed a serviette from beside her cake plate and dabbed her face. She was still crying, but her expression was one of annoyance.

He bent his head in shame, painfully aware of how right she was. He hadn’t realized it but he’d actually hoped she’d be bitter. It would have been an expected response and he could’ve lived with it, knowing she was warranted to feel that way. What he never anticipated was her finding happiness in spite of their history. He was at a loss for how to handle it.

She looked at him and her expression relaxed a little. “Anthony, my gratitude is for what my life is now. God knows I didn’t even dream I’d get here. It’s for how I’ve been enabled to survive the worst and have come to anticipate the best. I can’t help but be grateful.” He looked at her doubtfully, willing himself not to let any water leave his eyes and she smiled. “If it weren’t for that incident, unsavory and horrible as it was, I might never have gotten to experience some of the things in my life today which give me the most joy and contentment. So as crazy as it may sound to you, I am grateful for every experience that has gotten me to this point in my life. And that includes what happened twelve years ago..."

To be continued...

xxx, Kwiksie.

I Survived You

You’re the reason I have life

But you would have been the death of me.

I wish I’d known better than to hope you’d stutter

When you aimed them poison tipped words at my heart,

- One after another.

Eventually I became the un-recyclable due to consistent misuse,

And very much aware that by this fact you were almost amused.

But shortly after truth moved in to my mind i realized

That I’m the one who let you make me a believer in lies.

I considered blaming Daddy

when i paused from blaming you.

-After all he’s the one who didn’t want me-

But then neither did you.

That’s how rejection became my teddy

We'd cuddle each night as i fell asleep.

I’d shut my eyes hoping to shut out

Yells about who you were never meant to keep.

But alas, my eye shutting didn't leave me deaf and.

With time all the pains worsened

And the so familiar vacuum increased

- And I tried desperately to find treatment -

Because all this feeling was my disease.

So I tried to cut me out and leave behind a shell

Because that won’t ever be affected by the hurt he had to share.

But my blade must’ve been blunt and thus it left life in me.

It's as though even inanimate objects were out to make me unhappy!

The word happiness itself was a stranger but I craved its acquaintance

Which is why every note writ ended up in the bin

With that repeated pain-infused, self-death sentence.

I needed a distraction but my pain had my full attention

And it wasn't till after mistaking my body for dents in a vehicle,

That he realized I wasn't worth his exercise and perspiration-

Thus he walked out.

I let it matter till it became my atmosphere.

Convinced that for blood to reject me, I'd be unwanted everywhere

You never seemed interested enough to say something

So I gave up on you both thanks to your indifference and his abusing

Thinking if my partial creators found me so wanting,

Then I must be in need of some major correcting.

But all the grafting and patching I did further ripped me

Till I avoided everything I could be reflected in.

A death diet was the next place I sought relief

Perhaps a variety of tastes would alleviate the grief?

However gorging myself didn’t quite numb me ---

I needed to find more effective pain feed.

The pills first seemed to be helping

When Insomnia somehow became normalcy;

Because the nightmares wouldn’t let me dream of better days

And all my days I lived in depression’s dark hallway.

However soon I couldn’t cope if I’d not ‘popped’ some

-all I ever really wanted was lasting oblivion.

Consciousness had never seemed to add value, and so

If my body had to stay – maybe my mind could go?

But nothing worked, I was miserable, and you cared not.

Till the flower of hope in my mind began to rot.

Whatever made me think you would ever choose to change?

Either way, whatever it was and I got disengaged.

With time I walked away, determined to never look back

and on the way, someone trained me to get my life on track

Now I’m all grown up but found a new beginning

Daily learning to leave the past that wouldn't let joy in.

The cavity in my heart's gotten a permanent filling

So I'm done existing...yeah mom, I'm living.

Dedicated to everyone who's been through (going through) some deep stuff.

Thank God you survived//have held on this long.

Just remember...Jesus will ALWAYS be the answer. :) <3

xxx, Kwiksie~